Red is love and love is for You

The visit to the Puja Pandal was totally a gastronomical affair leading to some astronomical expenditures. The consolation was that the greens did not go waste with the poop next day. I happened to buy something that I fell in love with. A beautiful red saree.
I fell in love with the silk affair the moment my eyes settled on it. I could see myself draped in it and looking sexy for my boyfriend who was to visit the next weekend. Well, the Gods had some other script ready for me. I broke up with my boyfriend. The affair ended and my silk never saw the lights of the sun nor the candles.
Months went by. The tears of the bandaged heart dried up. The lipstick ventured to bring forth the buried smile. I was back with the tinkling laughter and twinkling eyes. I was finally ready to meet my date. I mustered up courage. My red silk saree made way out of the wardrobe. I accessorised it beautifully. The day of my date came nearer and the caterpillars in my stomach seemed to go through metamorphosis in increasing numbers. Then I got a call and my date politely called off the meeting and ended the relationship before it could bud. I was not beautiful enough to enthrall him or his parents! I felt bad but respected his choice. I folded my saree. Packed it with pot pourri and shoved the unlucky piece of clothing in the darkest corner of my cupboard.
Months passed. I had put several new bandages on my heart. My self confidence was soaring to new heights but against the gravity. I stopped going out. My mirror had the briefest of rendezvous with me. The caterpillars in me breathed out in their royal abode. The only beautiful thing I could find in me was the way I could act normal among people while my faith in myself was in shreds.
My birthday came knocking. I woke up. Opened the day's paper and saw a beautiful picture of an acid attack victim with her husband. She found love;love who discovered the real beauty in her;beauty which was skin deep. Suddenly I felt happy. Happy that I had been rejected by so many. They were not what I deserved. I knew my own worth and I deserved no less.
I rang up my friends and fixed my birthday dinner plans. I had to look beautiful today. Beautiful to impress myself and myself alone. I took out my red saree and my inner radiance got stiff competition from my outer shine. The saree was lovely and I was lovelier. I reprimanded myself for cocooning myself for so long.
The birthday was the best that I had in years. It was like the start of a new phase.
On my way back I was alone. I decided to walk back to my apartment which was only a few blocks away. As always God  wanted to have a final say in my life. He clapped with thunder and lo behold! The rains came pouring down. I was caught unaware without any shelter nearby. My beautifully done up hair and get up was washed away with the blessings from Him. I walked ahead braving the downpour.  A bike stopped. " Hey, can I drop you somewhere?" the biker said. I looked at him suspiciously. "No. Thank you. I am fine." "See don't be scared. You don't seem to look human, leave aside being fine. I have seen you earlier in this locality therefore I assume that you live nearby. I will drop you home before you are successful in turning completely into a red crow." I laughed at that. "Okay!" He dropped me at my gate with a chuckle. After thanking him I started climbing up my stairs. Out of the corner of my eyes I watched him as he started parking his bike. I was shocked. Did he expect me to invite him inside till the rain stopped. Confused I stopped. Before I could open my mouth I saw that he was the new guy who had shifted in our building few weeks back.
With a smile I went inside my apartment. Why a smile? I was happy, what else?
Tomorrow I may have a different reason but today was a beautiful day gifted by the one who is always there.Thank you.

Finding Lost Love

Her mobile vibrated for the umpteenth time this morning. Aasma wiped her tears. She did not feel like speaking to anyone. It was another night of tossing and turning without being able to sleep.
Last night again she had a huge fight with Qaizar. It was the same old thing of he not having time for her. Since the last six months his travelling had increased so much that even the weekends were not theirs. On the rare occasions when he was at home on weekdays, she was not able to be at home due to the new product development going on in her office. She was leading the project and had to work late nights.
It was not that she did not understand but somehow things were going out of control. Sometimes when in the midst of her busy routine she would message him, he would not care to reply or even if he did, it would be one or two words. This angered her even more. It was like he did not care any longer. Their first anniversary was not important but a client dinner was. Her success party at office did not hold any importance for him but his sleep was.
These small things gradually built up a wall within her. She felt herself getting more and more enclosed within the walls of self doubt, jealousy, loneliness. It was like she was no more the person whom Qaizar had fallen for. She was some witch who was making his life wretched by her constant nagging.She herself started detesting the person she was changing into.
Her insecurities had finally made her blurt out the D word yesterday. This had given their argument the ugliest of turns. Qaizar was angry. She was surprised to see a flicker of hurt in his eyes.He stomped out of the house much before his scheduled departure time.
Her train of thoughts was interrupted by the phone call.She cleared her voice and received it. Qaizar's mom was on the line.
"Beta, how are you? Are you crying?"
"No mumma. Tell me."
"Beta,did Qaizu go for his conference in Bangalore?"
"Yes mumma"
"Hai, Allah",she cried out.
"Mumma, what's wrong?"
"Switch on the TV and put on some news channel."
With a suden tightness in her heart,she quickly turned on the TV.
Seeing the news, her phone fell on the floor.
She quickly picked up the phone and sobbed into the phone,"Mumma I will call back."
She dialled Qaizar's number. It was not reachable.
The TV was blasting with the news of the terrorist attack at the hotel where Qaizar is staying and attending the conference.
Her mind was in a whirlwind."No,no.Nothing will happen to him.I know it. I can feel that he is fine.I can feel him with me."
She tried her number again.Again.Again.Response was the same. Qaizar's phone was not reachable.
She did not want to enquire about him.That would mean that she believed that he was harmed.
She went into the store room. Climbed up the small ladder to take out a box full of memories-their memories.As she trembled down the ladder with her box, she slipped and fell on the floor.
As she fell,books tumbled down. A small box fell with a thud beside her.It was labelled "To my sweetheart" in Qaizar's handwriting.
With trembling fingers, she took the box and opened it. Her heart skipped a beat by what she saw.Tears of relief, confusion, anger clouded her eyes.Her mind went back to 1.5 years back.

Sitting in the coffee shop with her book she was dreaming.She heard a voice.
"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
A man with kind of attractive features was standing in front of her. She looked around and found that the coffee shop was crowded.
Unwillingly, she removed her bag from the chair in front of her.
"Thanks a lot! Had a tiring day.Need a piping hot cup of black coffee."
She smiled understandingly.
"I see that you have finished your cup .Do you mind giving me company ? Shall I order something for you?'
"Thank you but please don't bother. I am fine."
"Please. I would love to. Consider it as a gesture of thanks for allowing me to intrude your blissful privacy."
"Aww. Okay. Thank you."
That crowded coffee shop saw the budding of a love story on shaky grounds.
Qaizar was the brand manger at a reputed organisation. He was visiting the city for a conference.The coffee shop was a regular hangout whenever he visited the city. Aasma told him that she was new to the locality and it was her first visit there.They spoke about each other, their hobbies, their likes and dislikes.Seconds passed into minutes and minutes into hours.
"Sir, we are about to close.", said the waiter.
Surprised, they looked around.There was just one or two customers in the shop.
"Didn't realise that its become so late.Sorry to keep you back."
" Hey no problem. I totally enjoyed your company.Thank you for the coffee. See you then."
"Hey Aasma, I would like us to be in touch. Here is my number.",said Qaizar handing his card to her.
Aasma glanced at the number and gave the card back.
"It was nice meeting you."
Qaizar's face fell.He did not expect her to snub him like this. He liked her. He had enjoyed her company immensely. Something about her had made him go on and on and on.
After few days,Qaizar received a message.
"Hi, Aasma here. How are you doing?"
"Hey. So glad to hear from you. How did you get my number?"
"Strange! You gave me right?"
"Yes I surely did. U did not save it."
"Dear, both you and your number were in my mind.Was waiting to see how I feel about you,about us."
"So, what do u feel?"
"Meet me next time and I will tell."
They kept in touch through chat.
On his next visit, Qaizar met her. She had a small box in her hand.
"Here. This is for you. You asked me how I feel about you and us.Let the universe say."
"What are you talking about" asked Qaizar with a bewildered expression in his eyes.
"See, take care of this plant.Show this to me whenever we talk. If you are able to nurture this plant, then I promise to nurture our relationship."
"Relationship!"
"Ya. This relationship. This friendship."
"You are crazy.I wasn't even thinking of one."
"Ok. If you don't want then I will take it away. Don't ask again as to how I felt."
Aasma got up and turned to go. Qaizar caught her hand and pulled her back into the chair.
"Hey, give it to me. Let's see what the universe conspires."
After that, Aasma recollected,it was a great journey of falling in love,being together and  getting married. Wiping away her tears, she opened the letter that was there with the plant.

It read:

Dear Love,
I hope you never find this. I know if you find it, you will feel cheated and angry. You will come to me with tear stricken face and complain that how I could do this to you.Ha, ha! 
Well, you gave the plant to me and said that you want the universe to decide our fate. Can you even imagine, how kiddish that thought was? However, I must confess that I found it very adorable. I found it so adorable that even after two days, when the plant died and caused a bad odour in the room, I did not throw it out. Did not have the heart to do so. 
Then one day after coming back from my office, I found that your plant was gone. It was like the universe had shown the signs.(Actually my maid seized the opportunity and threw it out.)
I knew the mad female that you were, you would take this very seriously.
Then my eyes fell on the Collection of short stories by O. Henry that you gave me. I remembered the last story that I read-The Last Leaf. I jumped up in joy. Baby, it was a sign. The universe showed me the way.
I went and bought an artificial plant which looked exactly the same as the one you gave me. Placed it on the table where you could see and allowed the universe to bring us closer.
Love, today is the happiest day. I proposed and you said yes. 
I did not want to face the guilt of lying to you everyday. Also, soon you will be with me and you will find out the truth. 
That's why today I told you that I am going to give the plant to a friend who needs some good signs in his life.I knew that the sweethearet that you are, you would not mind.
However, I cannot give this away. It is ours forever.It will be a reminder of my promise to not let you go, to keep you happy today and everyday.
Do not be angry or scold me after reading this!!
I Love you!!

My arms waiting for you

Yours and only yours!!

Aasma could not control her tears. She was wrong. They loved eac another. The love was still there. That's why it hurts.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. She wiped her tears away.
"Mumma must have come. I should ask her not to worry."
With her mind filled with Qaizar's thoughts she opened the door. She gave a scream and hugged him.
Qaizar wiped her tears and hugged her.
"Baby, I am sorry. I could not attend the conference after leaving you in that state. I took the first flight out."
"Qaiz, your hotel,"Aasma stamerred breaking off in the middle of her sentence.
"I did not go there.I stayed the night at airport.I am sorry for whatever I did to hurt you. In the midst of being busy.."
Aasma kissed his lips to shut him up.
"The skeletons stumbled out from your closet."
For a moment, he looked at her with a confused look which made Aasma want to just embrace him. tightly and never let go.
"Qaiz, I love you. We will make it work. Now let the universe take rest. Its time we worked harder at our promises."
"Yes baby."

Stray thoughts...

A stray thought takes you years back.
A stray tear finds its way up.
A stray hair caresses your cheeks,
Reminds you of his soft lips.

Reminds you of the thoughtful words.
Reminds you of the comforting hug.
Reminds you of the wet chest,
When he allowed your teary eyes to rest.

When your hearts were beating fast,
When the moments were to forever last,
When the embraces knew no tomorrow,
Those days with him knew no sorrow.

The days are here when he told,
 No one will love you as did the old.
No one will care as the tears roll,
No one will hear as you troll.

Now that no one really cares,
It's just a vacuum which scares.
Why drag him when days are grey?
He was anyways never meant to stay.
Remember the smiles,
Push away the fights,
Hold on there,
You will survive the darkest of nights.

Morning raga

The birds sing a song,
A song with a familiar music,
Music moist with memories,
Memories of unadulterated love,
Love that heeded not shaky knees and white hair,
White hair of my granny glistening near the chulha mitti ka,
Chulha mitti ka where she made sweets sweeter with love,
Love which warmed me up today,
Today as the birds sang the song,
The song with a familiar music.

The goodbye..

Thhodi si lamha aur dedo
Raat ke aakash mein thhodi si syahi aur ghulne do
Zulfo ke andhero mein thhodi si sitare aur lapetne do
Meri haasi ko tumhare saason se thhoda aur mil jaane do.
Unglio ko baadan pe shayeri ke pankhte thhoda aur likhne do
Chale jaana tum,sabko jaana hi to hai
Har ek lamha ko guzarke kal hona hi to hai
Baas thhodi si lamha aur dedo humein
Kya paata kal ke ujale tum tum aur mein mein ho na ho.

Erratic beatings

The mind knows it's wrong it's very wrong,
The heart however simply loves the song.
The mind reminds that it's only sugar coating,
The heart hums that for this it's been waiting.
Can the mind not be blind to the lullabies,
To let the heart drown in the stranger's eyes;
To let reasoning abandon itself once,
For the beats to flutter in the most careless dance?
Maybe it's the mind that finally resigns,
Letting heart do what for it pines.
Consequences will be after all none,
Pain is something that is never gone.
It is lurking at the corner of the sun,
To be shed once the dance is done.

Journey:Memories and memories to be

"Letting yourself loose thus!
You are no more the same person",
She quipped angrily.
"Yes I am no more",
I replied with the hidden hurt.
Long after, faced my heartache
Glanced at each other.
Seconds froze into years.
"You have not changed ",
He remarked.
"I have",
I lied.
Mirage said lovingly,
"You are like my poker game,
I will drop u if u ever stoke a flame".
"Sure",
I replied with a smile.
Comparison taken without any vile.
Looking back and within
The ice seems so thin.
Yet throbbing for the journey.
Pray let it begin.

Imperfect Me

Switched off the TV,
Shut down my phone.
Sat on the sofa.
Just wanted to be alone.

Emptied my mind of
What happened to me these past few days .
Stopped planning,
The things I want to do to fly away.

Opened the windows,
Soaked up the sun.
Looked at the mirror to find my faults.
Found surprisingly that there were none.

Looked at the perfectly imperfect me.
Thought about all the lessons,care and love
Showered by family, friends and strangers.
Remembered those were my strength,my treasure trove.

Winced at the thought of
How I shunned
"You are nice and beautiful!"
Now I agree.
And by me I am equally stunned.

Rustling of Reality

Hold my hand,
Take me there,
Where u and I can be forever.

I opened my eyes
Eyes were moist,hands were wet.
It was not the rain,but the clenched fist-sweat

It was all a dream.
Never to be true.
That verandah with the unsipped tea remained blue.  

I looked at my left hand.
The mark on the finger,
Is like the warm breath of you within me that lingers.

I shut my mind.
I breathed out loud.
The memories formed on the frosted glass  vanished like the empty clouds.

The Perfect Match

The soft music playing at the restaurant was drowned by the peals of laughter from my roommate.
"What? He blocked you?!" she reconfirmed the nth time now in between the respite she got from laughing and breathing.
"Yes",I said, with a pained look."And the worst part is that he has not unblocked me even after I apologised. I told him that I felt humiliated and insulted that I was blocked and being treated like a rogue."

Ghazala started a fresh bout of laughter.
I could decipher her intelligent observation as, "O Samima! He he he he.. How...he he did you manange to become such a loser...he he!?Girls generally block guys!He he he.."
"I don't know. I am supporting the 'HeForShe' initiative I think.",I replied and joined in the infectious display of mirth at my expense.
Well, at least I could laugh at myself instead of being puffy eyed. Thank God for that.
After completing her joyride,Ghazala said,"Look, Samima, that poor guy panicked when you unearthed all those facts about him which he had so diligently fabricated.He did not expect a bumble bee like you to take the effort and run a search on him.It was definitely naive on his part to lie.It did not dawn on him that today you can trace out everything from bachpan to jawani from the web.We leave so many traces around without knowing.Do not get me wrong Sami, but it was okay on his part in wanting not to reveal about himself."
I listened patiently waiting for my turn."I did not have a problem with the 'not revealing' part but with the lying part. I gave straight answers to straight questions."
"You are a fool.",sighed Ghazala."Now what do you plan to do?"
"I want to get myself back on his contact list and get over these days of ignominy!I liked him.We can at least remain friends.",I exclaimed.
"Sami, I didn't ask you about the next stupid wish that you have. Both of you are mature individuals and not some school or college going teenagers. You both can decide whether you want to be in touch or not. What I want to tell you is that YOU need to get over THIS state.You need to go out and meet people.This is not the end gal! Why don't you join some activity where you will meet real people? You mentioned once that you liked dancing. Join the new dance school that has opened near my office."
"Well, guys or no guys, that IS indeed a great idea.Err, but I will need you to sponsor.",I added sheepishly.
"I am ready to pay for these 'laxative'ical dance classes to get the crap out of your head".Gazala started laughing once again at her poor joke. I joined in. I was feeling lighter already.

The next weekend, I joined the classes near Gazala's office.It was a small dance studio with separate timings for Salsa,Hip hop,Belly dancing and many other exotic dance forms. I wanted to learn Kathak but it did not work out as the place was pretty far and commuting to and fro after job was impossible.So Salsa it was. I entered the studio for my first class.My dance instructor introduced me to Sohail. I remembered Ghazala. A guy on the first day! I hoped that this was not something she was staging for me.

Sohail and I started our dance classes. I could not have wished for a worst dance partner in my life.He was the average looking yet attractive guy. He was almost 6 ft tall with hair which formed a tuft on his forehead like Devanand. He worked at a good position in a reputed IT firm .Well, he was the picture of the perfect eligible bachelor till that image was shattered by his shoddy performance on the dance floor and his attitude.

He had two left feet and kept on blaming me for our poor performance.This continued even on the second day. Losing patience, I asked him to wait for me at the end of our class. We were both tired. So I suggested that we go to the coffee shop next door.While waiting for the coffee, we spoke about ourselves. I was careful and parted with only the skeletal details.
With the aroma of the coffee rejuvenating me,I started my actual mission. "Sohail, don't get me wrong. Are you like this with your team members in office?"
"What do you mean?",he asked taken aback by the sudden out of context question.
"Well, do you put the blame of your failures on your team members", I asked. Hmm,that did not come out right, I realized.He was utterly shocked.I took advantage of his stunned silence and continued."See, the fact is that you cannot dance. Instead of accepting that and trying to work on it together as a team with me,you just spoil our collaboration by putting the blame squarely on my shoulder.You know, anybody can dance. You don't have to be a pro or something. Just listen to the music and lose yourself to the beat. Don't concentrate on the fact that you are not able to do it."
"Wow! I did not expect that! Least of all from you.We are practically strangers.", he exclaimed.
"We stopped being strangers since the moment we were introduced and paired up with each other.I have joined these classes to unwind and get over the emotional turmoil that I am in. Least of all to get into another one because of you."
"I am sorry.", he continued."My intention was not to be harsh. What happened?"
"Nope. You were rude. You go first. Come clean.", I said feeling gleeful that I controlled spilling my heart out to, yes, a 'stranger'.
"I had a very bad break up last month. My girlfriend of 10 years dumped me for some rich guy and went abroad.She ended it. Just like that. I tortured my room-mate,Asif, with my sob story and my sour mood. I am performing below par at office as well.Last week was Asif's birthday.I forgot to buy him a birthday gift. I felt bad for not remembering his birthday and told him that I was sorry and that he could ask for whatever he wants as a birthday gift.That bugger had it all planned. He knew that I would forget. He handed me the enrolment receipt for this dance class and said,"Please start from next week.I want you to go and get over this.There is more to life than that bitch who did not even deserve you.Make new friends.There, that will be my birthday gift.".I wanted to break all his teeth then and there. I could not as it was his birthday and I was on the wrong side.So you see, I am not exactly into this because I enjoy this and want to lose myself in some bullshit rhythm.I was told that I will meet some pretty and understanding girls out here and not some demanding troll like you."With the last sentence he burst out laughing.
Seeing him laugh I felt great for being a troll.The unprecedented openness and aggressiveness from a total stranger made him baulk and reveal his vulnerable side.I know how it feels to release the bottled up pressure. I joined in the laughter,making faces feigning hurt feelings.
"Well, these classes were my friend Ghazala's idea. She calls it the 'laxative'ical dance classes." and I continued my story.

After a month, Sohail and I were ready with our first public performance. He was a fast learner. We were excited. There is nothing for YOU to get excited. Nothing has happened between us. I am still the troll for him and I call him Shrek.

We entered the wedding premises and took the first selfie of the day on the stage that read " Ghazala Weds Asif".Yes,we brought the people, who tried to get us back on our feet,together. To our delight they clicked as a couple as we thought they would. As they say"Jo hota hai achhe ke liye hota hai".All is well that ends well.


Note: All pictures courtesy Google image

The Penned Monologue

Many who know me say I do not need any body to entertain me.I am my own entertainer.I don't need music playing on my iPhone. I have my own playlist in my mind while I am walking or working or cooking or bathing. Sometimes,though, the music slips out from my mind through my vocal chords and that's when I am banned ;p. One of my closest friends named me "Cartoon Network" for all the jokes, stupidity and mischief that I do! To justify myself, I can only say that I am as needy and clingy as every other girl and love being loved and wanted. However,I love my own space and individuality, as well. I guess, that is like a true blue Libran answer:balanced and confounding! :D.

The truth is that I love watching people around me. I love watching the episodes of a megaserial playing while travelling in trains, loitering in malls, catching up with friends in coffee shops. I am not good at expressing all that I see and feel, but if I could show all the movies that are running in my mind, I bet you will declare at least 50% of them as blockbusters! ;).Sometimes I feel so overwhelmingly inspired that I cannot rest till I write and take it out of my system.However, more often than not, penning down the story does not happen, as the time required to concentrate and form the clouds eludes me leaving my "digital papyrus" parched.Recently, I came across an interview of Imtiaz Ali,director of the recent movie- "Tamasha". He mentioned that he does not feel the need to record ideas that flashes across his mind immediately.According to him, if an idea is of any worth then it will remain etched in your mind forever.I was amazed at the truth of that statement. Indeed,"Scarface" was an idea which is almost 2 yrs old. I wanted to express it beautifully in the form of lyrics but felt that I was handicapped by my limited literary prowess and therefore stalled it. The expression of the thought got delayed but never forgotten and finally delivered(though not with the profundity with which I experienced it).

Last year, after reading one of my blogs, a friend asked me whether what I write are based on true incidents or not. To answer the question, yes they are based on true incidents. However, the proportion in which the real and fantasy are mixed is the secret which is only mine.I may take my personal experiences, my own perceptions,add to it dollops of inspiration from movies playing in the theatre called Life and then "Dum" it with my imagination. In my blogs, I mention some real people including myself in the guise of other names or personalities. However, my intention is not to hurt anyone. I share my blog with my characters(if they exist) so that they do not come to know what I have written from others. I write for selfish reasons. I write to get rid of a nagging tale in my head. I write to express feelings that I cannot share verbally. I write to spread the message that I strongly feel about. I do not try to be good or preachy or bad for that matter. I write from my heart and I write for myself.

I am thankful to all who read my posts.I am overwhelmed and continue to be so when I see so many people actually sharing their feedback personally.To be honest, I do not find my writing up to the mark.I also know that if I wait for the perfect piece, not even a single post will ever get published. Perfection is a mirage. Therefore,I just strive to do my best. I do not know what and how you perceive them, but if it gives you comfort, solace, inspiration or a thought to ponder and act upon, I would be happy. I write to experience that release of dopamine :D

Finally, I would like to end my monologue by urging others to start writing,to share their thoughts. I know people who are more talented than me and have lives which are more eventful and exciting but do not follow their passion citing various reasons. Drown the reasons and jump in. Once you do so, let me assure you, you will love the swim!

Scarface

I travel to office by auto. It is a short ride by 'shared' auto.It costs the minimum fare. However, the minimum fare was not very well defined and some of the autowallahs cheated unsuspecting passengers. For instance,if you give them a Rs. 10 note, they will not return the change citing reasons like Rs. 10 is the minimum fare or simply by claiming that they do not have any change. Unlike few regulars and stubborn hagglers like me, others used to stash the note in their hands and huff away.

So, on this particular bright and sunny day, I got into an auto after a long wait. While getting in I glanced at the driver's face.He had a deep scar across his right cheek.It was an ugly scar screaming of tales of ignominy. During the 7 minutes travel, my mind raced unstintingly on the tracks of imagination.How did this man get injured so badly? Maybe he had some kind of criminal record. He got injured during an ugly spat.Maybe while making bombs he had an accident. One thing my mind was made up about. He was definitely a crook. I decided that I had to give him the exact change and walk away immediately to avoid any kind of argument and spoil the rest of my day.
With this thought stuck in my mind, I searched my 'big' bag frantically for coins. As luck would have it, I did not have the exact change.At the end of the journey,reluctantly I gave him a Rs. 20 note. To my surprise,he gave back the exact change-nothing more,nothing less and that too without grumbling. I did not even mention the actual fare.

It was at this moment that a memory from my schooldays flashed across my mind. I was in class 8. Our Bengali Miss..(Err..Yes we used to call our teachers "Miss ___" even if they were married or were the age of grandma and it did take a great deal of effort to switch from Miss to Ma"m during my days in Bangalore).So coming back to my recollection. Our Miss started the class by asking us about the first thought which comes to our mind when we see a person for the first time in train, bus, road etc. The answer which still breathes in my mind is that of my friend who used to travel from the suburbs by train.She replied,"Miss, I ask myself whether this person is a thief or not." After all these years,I was still holding on to that immature thread of thought.!I felt ashamed of myself. I felt as if I had failed my teachers after being fortunate enough to get 'educated' at one of the best schools where love and compassion towards the fellow human being was the first thing taught. I judged this person based on a scar which had lot of possibilities-both good and bad.However, I chose the bad.As I took the bridge to cross over, my point of view took a somersault as a fresh perspective dawned.Maybe he got injured while saving a lady from a group of armed goons.He was a noble man. Maybe, he helped the cops nab a notorious chain snatcher.He was a brave man.The true fact was that I do not know. I only know that he was an honest man and a good auto driver and that I would not hesitate taking his auto a second time.

We humans are strange. As more and more avenues of communication open up, we become more distrustful of people around us.The default setting in our minds has become like that of my innocent friend from nearly two decades back!We tend to draw conclusions from physical appearances which are as fleeting as the clouds above. We try to copy-paste our judgement based on our past experiences with a certain "type".We choose to be oblivious to the truth that the real depth, the character of a person is revealed when we interact with them. We forget that each human being is different. Every human mind is so complicated that even when we interact, it maybe difficult to ascertain the real person.I personally believe that we are a sum total of our experiences and choices. We are not all black nor all white. We are all grey or maybe of multiple unknown shades.This incident made me thoughtful.The short journey of 10 minutes taught me a lesson which will remain with me forever!
To look beyond what is visible. To clean the brushes and paint palette before starting on the picture!

Dance in the rain!

I turned the radio on. The blast of the soulful music made the rains romantic. Yet for the first time I could not enjoy it. There was a tightness in my heart.I will be leaving Mumbai.Apart from the fact that I have to abruptly draw the curtains on my life here, I will be going back with another small and silly regret-the regret of not getting wet in the rains with the waves submerging me in their kisses.It made me rue not having a friend with me at that moment in order to go out and get embarrassingly drenched. As I was approaching Marine Drive, radio played these lines from the film "Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara":

"Dilon mein tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho.
Toh zinda ho tum!
Nazar mein khwaabon ki bijliyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
Hawa ke jhonkon ke jaise aazad rehna seekho
Tum ek dariya ke jaise, leharon mein behna seekho
Har ek lamhe se tum milo khole apni baahein
Har ek pal ek naya samaa dekhe ye nigaahe"

I switched off my ignition. Parked my car and ran out to the tree lined promenade of Marine Drive.I recited the remaining lines to my heart.

"Jo apni aankhon mein hairaniyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
Dilon mein tum apni betabiyan leke chal rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!"

Joined the laughter and joy shared by the cute couples and simply singles without much thought. There were several "Kodak moments" all the way! Once the excitement died down, I sat at the boulevard looking at the sea. With 'bols' of the falling rain, the sea seemed to be dancing with abandon,pirouetting with glee, its skirt rising up with each twirl and crashing against the rocks. Every spirited wave filled the onlookers with delight!

Sitting there by the gleeful sea, I shared my turbulent thoughts with her.I was packing my bags to leave this "City of Dreams". It was my decision. However, the reasons were not mine. It was my life. However, the heart was not beating at my wishes.

What if I am the sea? When I dance with pure joy, it would spread happiness around me. My smile will light up the hearts of all those who love me. Going back against my wishes, I felt lost and deflated.I was scared that, with time one day, the cloud of unhappiness in the heart will reveal itself in the gloom of my eyes and snuff out that light.That day will be my real defeat.

Relieved, I went back to my car.Punched in Packers and Movers and cancelled their services. Dialled my parents to confirm my arrival. It was definitely going to be tough convincing them.However, big decisions in life should not be compromises. They should be the outcome of selfless love and not that laced with the regret of sacrifices. Inspired, I added my story to the lines:

"Intezaar ke naami ko aankho par chhane nahi de rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
Dilon mein umeed qayam rakhte ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
Lafz pe hasi leke aagey bad rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!
Khudiko mitne nahi de rahe ho
Toh zinda ho tum!"

Love others by loving yourself and the sun will shine from round the corner.

Rendezvous with Me!

Reproducing an impromptu piece I penned:


"Where is the real self..
Is it the one who shares a good laugh over a cup of coffee..
Or is it the known stranger in the mirror who mocks at my emptiness..
Is it the one who talks about dreams and aspirations..
Or is it the one who puts sleep to sleep lest dreams visit..
Maybe somewhere..in one of these days would come a revelation..
The true self would be embraced with unguarded sanity and mirth..
Till that day don't let the eyes moisten,don't let the smile flee..
Keep the light burning till the day I meet Me!"